When Time Dictates...

I had no idea I could do it. Winning the game did not even cross my mind. I joined. Not because I wanted to but because they told me to. Not because I aimed to win but because I wanted to get everything over with, move on with the show and go home. I did, in fact, won. The last bite was phenomenal. I saw my dad coaching me from afar. "Eat it from underneath," he mimed. So I did. I consumed the entire apple, and won the prize. That was the very first time I saw my mom cry. Those were tears of joy. You see, I was born a loser. But that night, I won. The apple-eating contest. One of the games for the kids on a Christmas party sometime during my Grade School years.

I had not got any recollection of my mom when I was little. The earliest memory that I can remember of my mom was when I came home from the care of my Aunt and my Grandmother. That was the first time I saw a refrigerator. I was so surprised to see that it was filled with different contents. Food, Drinks, Vegetables. When I was living with my grandmother, we just had enough. I never experienced a fridge filled with food. It was something new to me. That's how I first remembered her. Telling me to close the fridge because it would make the electicity bill go up. I was disappointed. I was so soft-hearted I cried inside when she told me to close the fridge. "Why are you scolding me? I didn't know anything about opening fridge, electricity and all that bull!" I said to myself. But I did not cry. I should not. I need to show my mom that my grandmother raised her grandchild as a strong boy.

I like staring at how she does things. Especially when she made my school projects. Those clippings where she'd pasted different cutouts of pictures from magazines on to the white clean paper and compiled them in a yellow, cardboard folder. Compressed by a fastener, a classic grade school project must-have. It was so neat and presentable. I was in third grade. During the time, I was wondering, "Were other kids' parents doing the same thing for thier children, who were my classmates?" I thought about it, but did not care. As long as I had that neat and presentable school project for my teacher. That ended when I stepped on the 4th grade. She laid all the supplies and I wondered why she has not started working on my project. Then she came and asked my, "Why aren't you working on you school project yet?" I had a blank stare. I mumbled, "But I thought you would do it." She sighed, "You need to work on your own now. Your teacher won't give you a grade for my work, it's your work." And boom, my first life lesson from my mom.

I got sick. My mom is not a hospital person. Each time we got sick, we self medicate. Buy generic drugs from drugstores and had me take a dose of those medicines until I get well. That's why I was never admitted and confined in a hospital. Up until today. I remembered when I was so sick, I had a severe flu. I had no sense of taste with food. Every dish was blunt and tasted wierd. I had never eaten for the entire day. Then, mom prepared and cooked noodles for me. She helped me up and she had me go to the dining area. I was wearing a blanket because I was freezing. I sat and there in front of me was a bowl of hot cooked noodle soup. I consumed a quarter of a spoon and complained, "It doesn't taste good." My mom ignored my comment. I unwillingly swallowed the noodle that tasted like a rotten bubblegum-flavored slime. She offered another spoonful of noodle soup. That time, I declined. I said, "I hate the taste, Mom. It tastes awful." Then, the response that I will never ever forget, "You will not feel well if you will not help yourself."

There was a time that my mom would stay up so late at night when I was sick. She was so worried that I won't be able to sleep through the night. I was injured. My right leg was hurt really bad for an unknown reason. That scene was still so vivid I can still see the whole picture when I close my eyes. The light from the outside of the bedroom window lit my entire room. It was yellow. Kind of like the mild ray of the sun passing through the window grills. It was not that bright. It was just enough to make you fall asleep and relax. But for me, it was horrible. I was in pain. I was alone in my room, and in pain. Sometimes I would moan but still tried to hold it just so I wouldn't be able to disturb my parents who were already asleep. But I could not help it. It was painful. My right leg was killing me. But thank God I found the right sleeping position that helped ease the pain. But it was too late. My mom woke up. I thought she would get angry at me for being too noisy and annoying in the middle of the night. I was wrong. She woke me up, I was pretending to be asleep. And told me to get up so she could help my bring myself to her room so I can sleep there for the night. Although struggling, I tried my best to get up, my Mom was assisting me, served as my right leg and helped me walk through the hallway and into the master's bedroom. Another unforgettable memory.

And now, it was the other way around. My mom needed me. She doesn't want to bother me on my usual daily life in the city. She was lying in the hospital bed, waiting for the day of the surgical procedure. Her gallbladder was so sore, it needed to be treated. I knew she wanted me there by her side. She just chose to be quiet and let destiny make me decide to go look after her. My younger brother and sister made me realize that. They were crying on the phone begging for me to come home and look after my mom just before the operation. I never hesitated. They were crying on the phone. I packed my things and bought a plane ticket and took the earliest flight home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital. I saw my Mom. She smiled. I smiled. I hugged her, and kissed her. I told her everything will be alright. Then my brother told me, it was the first time he saw our mom smiled since she felt sick. It made me realize, it's my turn. It's my turn to make her feel that she has someone to look after her. This time, she's the one who's in pain, and I am the one who will help her walk through the hallway and be one of his foot. I love you mom. Stay with us longer. Give me all the wisdom you have for surviving more than 50 years of raising a person like me. A person that I am.

Clingy or Overthinker?

Bakit ganun? Ang bilis kong ma attach sa isang tao. Nakakainis.

I have been out and a proud gay man for more than a year. Tried dating some gay guys but all failed. The past dates were so stressful probably because of my own attitude. I get attached too quick, and as one of my best bud said, "napaka-clingy mo!"
True.

Sinubukan ko nang hindi maging ganun, clingy. I tried telling myself to control what I feel. Hindi siya healthy. Hindi siya nakakatuwa. Hindi siya kaaya-aya. You know why? Kasi it lead me to overthink. And if I overthink, hindi ako nakakatulog. I am having a hard time falling asleep. Lalo naman sa profession ko sa BPO that I need to stay awake at night and be asleep during daytime. And the usual people I dated were normal people. Normal, in a sense that they are awake and they work in the morning and sleep at night.

You may ask. Anong problema ko? Bakit ko ba kasi iniisip yun? Bakit sina-sacrifice ko yung tulog ko sa ganyan, eh pwede namang kalimutan ko muna panandalian and rest muna, saka na yang overthinking na yan? Haist... believe me, ako din yan iniisip ko. Yan din yung mga tanong na gusto kong masagot. Alam ko ang sagot. Mahirap lang gawin.

I carefully thought about it. Ano ba talaga ang reason bakit bumubongga nang ganun yung way of thinking ko at bakit ganun mag respond and psychological aspect ko pagdating sa ganyan? Marami akong wild thoughts pero I can only think of so much.

Hindi pa ako nagkakaroon ng seryosong relationship... EVER...
Yes. Mapababae man o mapalalake. Hindi pa ako nagkakaroon ng relationship na masasabi ko talagang tunay na relationship. Seryosong relationship. I had a girlfriend before but we never really had intimate moments, or sex. On the other hand, I dated some guys, we had sex, pero never naging kami. There are a number of them pero, hanggang date lang. Minsan nga naiisip ko sana maging straight na lang ako, andaling manligaw ng babae kesa manligaw ng bakla. Or, hindi ko lang siguro alam kung ano ang feeling na nasa isang relationship kaya sobrang eager akong malaman kung ano yung feeling na yun. Yung feeling na napaka romantic. Gigising ka sa umaga, siya magtetext sayo, or mas ok, nagluluto siya ng breakfast tapos the previous night, you had the wildest sex ever. At sa sobrang eagerness ko, I think ahead and I assume kung ano iniisip ng other person. Sa kaka-overthink, at kaka assume ko, masyadong nang malayo ang nililipad ng aking imagination at kung anu-ano na ang nafo-formulate ko sa utak ko na posibleng mangyari na hindi pa naman nangyayari. Nakakainis.

I talked to a friend. He is a really good friend. And ang cute niya. (Sorry na lang, stuck sa friendzone) I won't mention his name but, well, baka sabunutan ako nun sa mohawk ko. And napaka private niyang tao. I told him this side of me. Madaling ma-attach. Kasi meron akong pandikit. Chot! And I got surprised about his reaction. Sabi niya, "Ganun naman talaga eh, ganun naman lahat," So ibig sabihin ba ako lang ang nase stress nang ganito? Dagdag niya, "If you are overthinking at umaabot na sa point na hindi na healthy para sayo, kausapin mo siya, sana lang willing siyang kumausap sayo pero pag hindi, well, you have to learn to let go kasi hindi siya worth it." Natahimik ako. Tumango na lang. But then, again, alam ko na naman ang sagot. Bakit ba kailangan ko pang marinig sa isang tao yun bago ko ipa-realize sa sarili ko na ganun na nga kasi. That's how it works. "At pag-usapan niyo kung anong nararamdaman mo at kung ano nararamdaman niya. Then set-up niyo kung ano ba talaga plano niyo sa buhay at kung hanggang saan ang level ng relationship na gusto niyong simulan at marating."

Ang powerful. Nakita na ng mga close friends ko kung paano ako ma in love. Kung paano ako ma attach. Kung paano ako ma heart broken. So alam na nila kung nagsisilmula na naman akong paunti-unting naaattach. then they will warn me. Kapag nandun na ako sa stage na naaattach na ako, they will tell me wag masyado. At kapag nasa stage na naman ako ng depression, they know how to comfort me. Meron lang talagang friends na sobrang isasaksak sa pagmumukha mo na hindi dapat ganyan ang paghahandle ng pagiging broken hearted. Be man enough. Be strong enough. Pinasok mo yan, alam mo ang consequences, so go and fix it yourself. 
Meron din namang friends na step by step magbigay ng payo on how to handle the stressful situation. And I appreciate them much. I just have to isolate them from my group of friends para lang makausap sila nang matino dahil sila rin mismo, kapag nasama sa grupo, anlakas mang-asar.
And meron ding friends na ico-comfort ka nila. They'll do whatever they can para mag-feel good ka. They will try to understand how you feel. These are the sweetest friends that you could have.
I guess I have a balance of the types of friends that I have. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad na nandiyan sila. Isa sila sa mga paraan kong mag move on from a broken heart to a new me. I love them so much. :-)

So, sa ngayon, bakit ang bilis kong ma-attach? I don't have new answers to realize para ma feed yung mind ko. I still have the same old shit that I tell myself. Ambilis kong ma-attach dahil... "Ganun ako." I don't have to change, I just have to learn how to handle it they way na hindi ako masyadong mase-stress. And still, I will keep finding the best answer to that question. Kasi I feel there's more to it than just being "ganun ako". Constant Learning. Constant way of finding answers. Although, still, NAKAKAINIS.