Bakit ganun? Ang bilis kong ma attach sa isang tao. Nakakainis.
I have been out and a proud gay man for more than a year. Tried dating some gay guys but all failed. The past dates were so stressful probably because of my own attitude. I get attached too quick, and as one of my best bud said, "napaka-clingy mo!"
True.
Sinubukan ko nang hindi maging ganun, clingy. I tried telling myself to control what I feel. Hindi siya healthy. Hindi siya nakakatuwa. Hindi siya kaaya-aya. You know why? Kasi it lead me to overthink. And if I overthink, hindi ako nakakatulog. I am having a hard time falling asleep. Lalo naman sa profession ko sa BPO that I need to stay awake at night and be asleep during daytime. And the usual people I dated were normal people. Normal, in a sense that they are awake and they work in the morning and sleep at night.
You may ask. Anong problema ko? Bakit ko ba kasi iniisip yun? Bakit sina-sacrifice ko yung tulog ko sa ganyan, eh pwede namang kalimutan ko muna panandalian and rest muna, saka na yang overthinking na yan? Haist... believe me, ako din yan iniisip ko. Yan din yung mga tanong na gusto kong masagot. Alam ko ang sagot. Mahirap lang gawin.
I carefully thought about it. Ano ba talaga ang reason bakit bumubongga nang ganun yung way of thinking ko at bakit ganun mag respond and psychological aspect ko pagdating sa ganyan? Marami akong wild thoughts pero I can only think of so much.
Hindi pa ako nagkakaroon ng seryosong relationship... EVER...
Yes. Mapababae man o mapalalake. Hindi pa ako nagkakaroon ng relationship na masasabi ko talagang tunay na relationship. Seryosong relationship. I had a girlfriend before but we never really had intimate moments, or sex. On the other hand, I dated some guys, we had sex, pero never naging kami. There are a number of them pero, hanggang date lang. Minsan nga naiisip ko sana maging straight na lang ako, andaling manligaw ng babae kesa manligaw ng bakla. Or, hindi ko lang siguro alam kung ano ang feeling na nasa isang relationship kaya sobrang eager akong malaman kung ano yung feeling na yun. Yung feeling na napaka romantic. Gigising ka sa umaga, siya magtetext sayo, or mas ok, nagluluto siya ng breakfast tapos the previous night, you had the wildest sex ever. At sa sobrang eagerness ko, I think ahead and I assume kung ano iniisip ng other person. Sa kaka-overthink, at kaka assume ko, masyadong nang malayo ang nililipad ng aking imagination at kung anu-ano na ang nafo-formulate ko sa utak ko na posibleng mangyari na hindi pa naman nangyayari. Nakakainis.
I talked to a friend. He is a really good friend. And ang cute niya. (Sorry na lang, stuck sa friendzone) I won't mention his name but, well, baka sabunutan ako nun sa mohawk ko. And napaka private niyang tao. I told him this side of me. Madaling ma-attach. Kasi meron akong pandikit. Chot! And I got surprised about his reaction. Sabi niya, "Ganun naman talaga eh, ganun naman lahat," So ibig sabihin ba ako lang ang nase stress nang ganito? Dagdag niya, "If you are overthinking at umaabot na sa point na hindi na healthy para sayo, kausapin mo siya, sana lang willing siyang kumausap sayo pero pag hindi, well, you have to learn to let go kasi hindi siya worth it." Natahimik ako. Tumango na lang. But then, again, alam ko na naman ang sagot. Bakit ba kailangan ko pang marinig sa isang tao yun bago ko ipa-realize sa sarili ko na ganun na nga kasi. That's how it works. "At pag-usapan niyo kung anong nararamdaman mo at kung ano nararamdaman niya. Then set-up niyo kung ano ba talaga plano niyo sa buhay at kung hanggang saan ang level ng relationship na gusto niyong simulan at marating."
Ang powerful. Nakita na ng mga close friends ko kung paano ako ma in love. Kung paano ako ma attach. Kung paano ako ma heart broken. So alam na nila kung nagsisilmula na naman akong paunti-unting naaattach. then they will warn me. Kapag nandun na ako sa stage na naaattach na ako, they will tell me wag masyado. At kapag nasa stage na naman ako ng depression, they know how to comfort me. Meron lang talagang friends na sobrang isasaksak sa pagmumukha mo na hindi dapat ganyan ang paghahandle ng pagiging broken hearted. Be man enough. Be strong enough. Pinasok mo yan, alam mo ang consequences, so go and fix it yourself.
Meron din namang friends na step by step magbigay ng payo on how to handle the stressful situation. And I appreciate them much. I just have to isolate them from my group of friends para lang makausap sila nang matino dahil sila rin mismo, kapag nasama sa grupo, anlakas mang-asar.
And meron ding friends na ico-comfort ka nila. They'll do whatever they can para mag-feel good ka. They will try to understand how you feel. These are the sweetest friends that you could have.
I guess I have a balance of the types of friends that I have. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad na nandiyan sila. Isa sila sa mga paraan kong mag move on from a broken heart to a new me. I love them so much. :-)
So, sa ngayon, bakit ang bilis kong ma-attach? I don't have new answers to realize para ma feed yung mind ko. I still have the same old shit that I tell myself. Ambilis kong ma-attach dahil... "Ganun ako." I don't have to change, I just have to learn how to handle it they way na hindi ako masyadong mase-stress. And still, I will keep finding the best answer to that question. Kasi I feel there's more to it than just being "ganun ako". Constant Learning. Constant way of finding answers. Although, still, NAKAKAINIS.
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